Godspeed, John Glenn
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.