*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
2022 be like