I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
X-tra spooky blend
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon