My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
i hate you platonically
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.