Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you