A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Life is a suicide mission.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.