Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever