Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
That’s enough internet for the day
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.