u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
You Might Also Like
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
(Jupiter –
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business