Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
A woman drives into a bar.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
That’s no pocket rocket.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.