Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Bootstraps
hmm conte-me mais
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.