Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Actually cracking up @ this
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
She was REALLY feeling it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.