If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.