I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.