As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Get in loser we’re going crying
Dune (2021)
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no