[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A short story about romance.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
doing some research
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.