Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
me before I type out affect or effect
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.