A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift