me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You Might Also Like
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.