Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
be careful
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June