Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Yes, this is exactly right
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.