6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE