I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Why is everyone getting married at me
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.