They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Hamburger Hinderer.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
the simulation is moving too fast
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what