My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No