SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
You Might Also Like
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.