3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
monday
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon