I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
How animals would run if they were human
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.