Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Reporter: *ports again*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!