DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
You Might Also Like
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*sewing*
A thread
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there