Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.