Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.