*limbos away from your hug*
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape