Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
they split up moments later
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My what?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.