I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
When they try to steal your moment.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed