My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.