2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213