$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The booster protects against what, now?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes