Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
You Might Also Like
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.