*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My love language is hissing.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day