we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
#SaturdayBears
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends