cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.