Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat