Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
my one true gender
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her