You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You Might Also Like
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”