“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.