DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
こいつ天才
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”