Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore