There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.