Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog